I spent the better part of the year feeling like I had lost everything.
And, I did lose some things...
- Because of a huge mix up and financial reasons, I cannot finish my last semester of college. Obviously, this alone has brought about huge changes in life. And in all honesty, probably even greater changes than it would have if I weren't in a wheelchair.
Being away at college afforded me such independence and normalcy. Even I did not realize just how much, until now. So much, I cannot even put it into words.
I had (and *had* to have) more independence and freedom on a physical level. Even without a car, I could still go places and do things relatively independently. And what I couldn't, I did with the help of friends. Which is extremely different than living at home, in a house that isn't really accessible (and can't be made so because we are renting), and relying on my parents to take me places and do the things that I can't do here (like my own laundry, because I can't get in our laundry room. Or, cook most of my meals, because I can't reach our stove easily, etc). College (thankfully) taught me to do these things myself, or to find ways to get them done. My parents however, have reverted back to doing some of these things for me. Some out of necessity. And (frustratingly), somewhat out of feeling like the hands of time have turned, and they have their little girl back. They don't. I'm 22 years old. I can (and always could...but especially as an adult can) do more than they think. However, unfortunately for me, conversations about such things with them seem to go in one ear and out the other.
In general, it is hard to have my own life here. Along with their apparent need to do things for me, my parents seem to forget that being 22 entitles me to my own life, even if I am living under their roof. To their credit, I think they are just acting like typical parents on that one. A few of my friends have had to move home after graduating, and have the same issue. I guess I won't be able to understand the inability to let go and let live until I am a parent. That said though, combined with the doting parents, the wheelchair and lack of car, having my own life is quite difficult.
Hardest to lose though, has not even been the freedom that college gave me, but the sense of normalcy it provided. Even though nobody truly is normal, society expects us to be. To fit its mold. And despite the wheelchair, I was doing what I was "supposed to do" in college. I was getting my degree. Today's society (unfortunately) pretty much dictates that in order to be a productive human being, you must have a college degree. Combined with the fact that (sadly) a lot of people in this world assume people with disabilities do not have brains in their heads and cannot be productive members of society anyway, I and a lot of other people are facing a whole ton of adversity. I have always felt like I had to prove myself to the world more so than those that society sees as "normal". And, getting my college degree has always been of paramount importance to me because of that. I know I will have it one day. And lately I've come to the conclusion that maybe God is trying to teach me that a piece of paper won't make me who I'm supposed to be, He will. But that has been and is a difficult lesson to learn. Maybe I will have better luck with it this year. I can only hope so.
-Last year was also a difficult year physically. Actually, my physical issues started in 2009, but 2010 wasn't better.
After reading the last sentence I wrote I had to laugh. Because let's face it, I have Cerebral Palsy, I've had "physical issues" my every single day of my life! Ha. But, I guess what I meant was my latest batch of them.
Even though I had a ton of surgeries and issues when I was a kid, from the time I was 15 until I was 21, I had none. No surgeries. And though I obviously used a wheelchair, I convinced myself it was just something I sat in. That CP wouldn't affect my body beyond not being able to walk. As nice as that would be, it was young, wishful thinking/denial on my part. And for the better part of the last 2 years, I've had to come to terms with that. And, I particularly struggled with it this past year. CP is a fact of my life. It will affect my body, my every muscle, beyond and also because of my need to use a wheelchair. And, I will only become more aware of it as I get older, not less. It's fact.
And, it's a fact that is made harder to swallow by another fact-
After the age of 21, you age out of pediatrics. But, CP is treated as if is just a pediatric condition. As if people with CP live in Neverland, and don't become adults. Productive adults with lives to lead, at that. All this wonderful treatment that kids with CP (thankfully!) get, is suddenly gone. And, you are up the creek without a paddle. I'm not saying that there is no one that knows anything about treating CP in the adult world. I'm sure there are, but finding said people is a challenge. One I have had very little luck with over the past 2 years. Maybe I will also have better luck with this in 2011. Let's hope anyway.
-Though it certainly isn't the only other thing that made 2010 rough, the other big loss in my life last year, was a very dear friend and someone who I considered my big sister/spiritual mentor. By loss, i mean we had a falling out (for lack of a better term) and no longer speak. It is because of something I did. It very much is my fault. And, I also wholeheartedly believe I was unhealthily dependent on her and God needed to remove her from my life. I just never expected the fallout to be that bad. But it was.
She was very much my "person" . And honestly, as horrible as it is, someone who I felt closer and more bonded to than anyone in my family. She was the big sister that my sisters never where to me. And though it is largely my fault, and we all have to pay the consequences of our actions, not having her around just plain sucks. And I think will always suck. There are people like that in life, whose absence will always on some level leave a hole. It's life. And, I've grown because of it. Learned from my mistakes. And also been made a better person through our friendship, and the loss of it. And, I've definitely leaned harder on God than I would have, since the person I would've leaned on instead is gone. Which is the whole point. But still, losing someone you look up to for advice so completely, in a year when the rest of your life leaves you reeling as well...Well, it sucks.
*****
All of that and more made 2010 the most difficult year in recent memory. And, I've never been more glad to see the end of the year.
Because while I don't typically buy into all the resolutions and hope for a new year- I do have hope for 2011.
It may have taken my the better part of a year to realize it. But God isn't done with me yet.
Not being able to finish my degree? While that sucks, it is temporary, and it has also forced me to look at where I thought I was headed in life, and where God actually wants me. I'm doing the very last thing I ever thought I would be-helping to run a support group for parents of kids with disabilities. As well as some advocacy for the disabled. And I LOVE it all so much that I want to open up my own non-profit support organization for kids with disabilities and their families. If you told me a 6 months ago that I'd be saying so, I would've told you just how crazy you were. Never in my life, if I had a choice, would I have chosen this path for myself. But, I know it is my purpose in life. And, I never would have found it if things had gone the way I'd planned.
All my physical problems lately? The suck. They will always suck. But facing them, and the fact that Cerebral Palsy isn't going away has made all the difference. I've finally started to take the need to exercise seriously. Actually, I am honestly a bit obsessed. And, I'm planning on doing a 15k wheelchair race next year. 9.3 miles. That's a looooong way. But I'm excited. Excited to push myself mentally and physically over the next year. And excited, for once in my life, to not back down. :)
I could go on...I won't. This has gotten long.... And disjointed....And my fingers hurt from typing it all.
But, I'm glad I'm blogging again and am so ready to see what 2011 has in store!
No comments:
Post a Comment